Please, let me fuck your mom
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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