i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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