WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
