I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
