dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
