Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
