he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
