Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
