Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
