i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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