Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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