Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize