What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my sisters under your porch take her home
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Couch. On fire.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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