i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
