And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
