There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
