You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
