I am puke
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
