Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
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