3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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