i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
