if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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