so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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