Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
