dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
