I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
