Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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