Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
