im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize