well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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