awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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