It's Friday. Sex?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
