Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize