I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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