Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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