I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
