I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
