Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
