A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize