remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
