So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
