Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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