I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
