I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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