Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
