apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
