I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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