I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
