the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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