I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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