Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
