I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
