Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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