you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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