don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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