I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
