I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
