The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
