the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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